These wounds won't seem to heal.
This pain is just too real.
There's just too much that time cannot erase...
My Immortal - Evanescence
Photo by Caleb - South Coast Arts. Instagram @southcoastarts
Warning. This blog is about suicide. If you or anyone you know needs help please call or reach out to:
As mentioned in a previous blog, 2004 was a turbulent year for me. I guess the beginning of it started a little earlier in late ‘03. I had just got my first job as a cook (or chef as we would jokingly try to claim) at KFC. My two best mates worked there along with a few other good friends. It was awesome working with friends and we would make sure that any shifts we had together were fun-filled. We would secretly stab holes in cans of Pepsi Max, making them unsellable, so the manager would let us drink them. I remember closing at night the best. This would be more work as you had to clean all the cookers and what-not, but if you had mates there it would just turn into a game of making the other guys laugh, plus you got to keep all the leftover food that was cooked so we’d always try and sneak on few more zingers and crispy strips. All that said the managers were insane. I remember vividly working a shift with Steve, It was peak hour on a Thursday night. The manager walked out the back where we were prepping the chicken. We were both standing at the basin flipping the chicken through the flour, chatting away. He told us we were doing a great job and to keep up the good work as it’s getting hectic. He was pumped that the night was running smoothly. We barely had enough time to look at each other and smile when suddenly... BOOM! A packet of chips split us two and hit the wall in front of us. Before we could work out what was happening a plastic crate that the chicken gets delivered on is thrown from the front to out the back where the freezers were. Steve and I looked around confused to see the manager storming towards the back of the store swearing his head off and mumbling like a man who had lost his marbles. For the rest of the night, he was pissed and he’d take it out on whoever was in front of him, including us who were “doing a great job”. This kind of behaviour was pretty normal for a couple of the managers, that said we had fun most shifts. One of the kids who worked there was a boy named Aaron. Steve knew who he was as they went to the same high school, but I don’t think they were friends. I met Aaron for the first time on a shift. I remember him as being nice and pretty chilled, he was friendly, but not very talkative. We only had a handful of shifts together. We never became friends outside of work, but if we had a shift together we’d chat about music and what we were listening too. We had similar tastes and the chat helped the shift pass by. I recall going into work one day, it must’ve been a mid-week shift. I walked out the back to put my gear away. As I sat at the computer to clock in, the manager pulled me aside. “Have you heard about Aaron?” I shrugged. “Nope. What about him?” “Were you guys friends?” “Nah, just knew him from work. What’s up?” She took a breath. “He died over the weekend” I was shocked. “How?” She told me that they were waiting for that news to come in. Must have been a car accident I thought. That’s the only way someone young could die. I clocked in and began my shift. “Hey man, you hear about Aaron?” Asked one of the guys working the same shift. I nodded. “Yeah, It’s sad man..” “You hear how it happened?” I looked at him and shook my head “He killed himself.”
Fuck.
That’s all I could think of. What. The. Fuck.
“He hung himself”
...
Soon everyone was talking bout it. Towns like Mt. Gambier tend to spread news, whether its true or not, like a bushfire. There were rumours about what and how it happened which I won’t divulge in. It didn’t matter anyway, he was gone. Initially, it didn’t affect me too much, I was saddened by the news and felt for his family but he wasn’t a close friend. The funeral was announced and Steve decided he was going and asked if I was going to go. I checked my roster... I had a shift that started halfway through the funeral. The hierarchy at KFC decided that they’d close the store for the hour of the funeral so people could attend. So I decided I should go to show my support for the family and his friends. Steve organised a lift with one of his mates to take us there and they came and picked me up. On the way, the other guy driving had Evanescence’s album Fallen on the car stereo. They were massive back then. Steve was a fan and I didn’t mind them. Amy lee could belt out a tune, I just didn’t connect much with the music. I always thought they sounded like a pre-packaged, put together boy band. As far as I’m aware they weren’t, but they seemed to have just come from out of nowhere, fully polished. Their music was just so on the nose that it just irked me a little. That said I didn’t hate them and I’d always nod and hum along. I remember the mood in the car as being upbeat but awkward. We were trying to stay in a positive mood. None of us had been to a funeral with this kind of weight involved. We pulled up in the car park, took a deep breath and got out of the car... The first thing I realised was there were a lot of people there... a lot of teenagers. It seemed like most of Mt Gambier’s youth attended the funeral. I don’t remember too much of the ceremony to be honest. I do recall however seeing people I knew and trying to avoid eye contact with them, more so to not see them cry. It was hard. Being a teenage boy I kept my emotions in check, I kept my head down. I wasn’t afraid to cry, but I didn’t want to do it in public. They then played one of Aaron’s favourite songs... Bring Me To Life by Evanescence. The congregation then followed the coffin out of the chapel and into the burial grounds. They played another favourite song of his as they buried their son. Youth Of The Nation by P.O.D By this time the large gathering’s emotions had collectively risen to a breaking point and there was a flood of tears. I continued to hold it in, wiping away any tears before they ran down my cheek. We respectfully said our goodbyes and left.
I had a shift I had to go to...
We got in the car. It was dead quiet. The CD player kicked into life. Amy Lee’s soaring vocals filled the car. Angelic and poignant. Steve, sitting in the front passenger seat, smacked the CD player and turned it off. Hearing them play was the last thing any of us wanted to hear. We were all holding it in and that nearly sent us all over. The silence lasted back to my house. Once inside, my mum asked if I was ok. I told her I was. I had calmed down by that point. She made sure again if I was alright to go to work and I said I was, at least I thought I was. I jumped in the shower and I lost it. I didn’t know him well, I hardly knew him at all actually, but all the emotion came out. Seeing how his death affected his family and people I knew just floored me. I finished my shower, got into my uniform and went to work. Why the fuck KFC thought it would be fine to open for the day has got me fucked. Especially considering it was mainly teenagers who worked there. Everyone knew everyone in the store, and we all knew what had happened. Talk about not looking after your workers, hey? That shift was the quietest shifts I worked. It was almost peaceful. Everyone was polite to each other and just worked. There was no joking around. The manager was good that shift and didn’t push us, she just kept making sure we were all fine. I didn’t listen to Evanescence for many years after this, not if I could control the music anyway. Evanescence reminds me of that day and him. A kid I barely knew who made such an impact on my memory. I can’t explain why P.O.D got a pass, they’re a much worse band. I think it’s because of when the songs were played during the ceremony. Evanescence was played in the chapel and was the first point I remember when people (other than the family) started to let their emotions out. The fact we just so happened to have their album on in the car just drilled it into our collective memories. It’s hard to write this blog, as I'm trying to be as respectful as I can as I hardly knew him. I’m in no way a victim in this situation and I acknowledge that. His passing, however, did leave an impression on me so I felt compelled to write about it. When looking back at those years, this moment stands out as an impetus to the way I looked at the world. I mentioned our compilation CD called Execution Of Innocence in an earlier blog and how it was quite an apt name for the period of my life proceeding it. Part of our innocence went that day. The warm glow view we had of our world had its first real shadow cast on it. Our mortality became real, depression became real and the way our choices affect the people around us became very real, even those who you hardly knew. This, unfortunately, wasn’t the last time I would have to deal with this subject, as the turn of the year brought with it more shadows casting its darkness over my ever dimming world views.
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